As I’m sure you’ve read on this little blog already, I’m a fan of Brené Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability, belonging, and worth. I just finished reading her very first book chapter by chapter with a friend. It’s I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough’ which I cannot recommend enough. This is a more clinical read than her other books, but it is the basis of all of her further work, which I also highly recommend.
One of the closing chapters (8) walks through shame and “Stereotypes and Labels.” As my friend and I were reading and discussing this chapter, I felt like I wasn’t really big on doing this. I still don’t think that I am, but it’s possible I’m completely blind to it. Very possible. It is never my intention to shame someone based on their race, class, ethnicity, hair color, profession, faith, sexual orientation, gender, etc. but I’m sure I’ve done it. I’m truly sorry for all of those times.
I also didn’t think I was shamed due to stereotypes very often either. I realize that I am part of a very privileged group of people: middle class white women. I have many benefits in this life, and I recognize that. It took me a while to get what it meant that I have white privilege and I’m still not sure what to really do about it. I’m still working through what that means I need to do in our culture.
But my most recent experience with stereotyping has been a little different. I recognize that this is a small thing in comparison to the many ways people are discriminated and stereotyped every day, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing today.
I have a friend who is going through an extremely difficult time in her marriage. When they got married she thought he was a good Catholic. Life hasn’t turned out the way she envisioned though. More like a nightmare rather than a dream. Now, I’ve written before about my desire for my husband to be Catholic. I think it’s one of the most significant things he brings to the table because my faith is so strong. However, it’s not the only thing that matters.
Our conversation about this man and my future husband, got me thinking about if that is enough or not. Should I be holding out for a Catholic man to marry when he might not turn out to be all that?
Well, Catholic men are also sinners. We all are. Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, Protestant, New Ager, Yogi, Baptist, Methodist, and on and on and on. We all have vices, we all struggle with long-time sins, we are all fallen, broken human beings.
The point is that we can’t write off a whole group of people because we had a bad experience with one of them. That’s what it means to stereotype and shame people. This is one of the main points of so many of the race and class issues going on in our country. One time you had a bad encounter with a black man at night, so therefore all black men in every circumstance are suspect. Um, NO!
You had an encounter that wasn’t good with a Catholic, so now all Catholics are off the table. Um, NO! I’m sitting and listening to my friend share her story and her experience. Talking about whether marrying a Catholic is worth it because this man wasn’t of good character. We got to talking about whether it was worth ‘holding out’ for a good Catholic man with good character.
Now if I was asked “If you had two men to choose from to marry – one’s a Catholic, strong in his faith – and the other one isn’t, but he’s a man of good character – which one would you choose?” Um, who are they? What kind of character is the man who’s a Catholic? Why doesn’t the other man believe in God or have a strong faith? What else is going on in their lives? What do they do for a living? What’s their family like? How do they treat me? What do they dream about for their future? Do they want to have kids? Do I feel safe, loved, and protected in the relationship? Is this a healthy relationship? Can we each be ourselves? Am I being shamed? Am I settling?
Character is what matters, in all of these circumstances. We need to be men and women of good character first, before we consider anything else. Our character is the foundation of who we are, it’s how we live out our faith, how we live generously, how we live in relationship. It’s the foundation of our faith. Character is the substance of what we’re made.
Can good character fix all of the stereotypes in our culture? Most people would say “no, that’s too simple, a little crazy even.” Well, I think it might be a good first step. When we are men and women of good character, we show people that their stereotypes are incorrect. When we are men and women of good character, we don’t stereotype people either.
This week I’m striving to be a woman of good character, no matter what others think of me based on my faith or any other category I might have been placed into.
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