joy and humor

Tonight I spent a lot of time in the car and a lot of time laughing.  I went to another parish in our area to hear one of my favorite authors speak.  Fr. James Martin is hilarious! And he’s so spiritually profound too.  Tonight he was talking on his new book and promoting it, which is about Heavenly laughter.  He told the greatest jokes, we were all rolling with laughter.

One of the things he talks about is that laughter is not only allowed in the spiritual life, but it should be required for it!  We are all being called to laugh more, appropriately of course.  We should laugh at ourselves, laugh at the things God brings us, and enjoy laughter with others.

They say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

So, I do this all the time.  Like now, I’ve got great plans in mind for me and AGA … marriage, babies, and a long life together.  However, I’m not sure that’s the Lord’s plan – or really even what I want.  I am also very good at giving God an ultimatum.  Lord, if not AGA then … (and I fill in the blank).  There are obviously only two options, how could he see more when I don’t!  Although, I know this isn’t true – His plan is infinitely better than mine.

So, I digress – always the same thing for me … worried about the future, where this is all headed, whether it’s like the idea in my head – if it’ll ever live up to it.  What is marriage and babies aren’t in His plan for me?  What if in 21 years when I’m 47, we’re still here, looking – just always looking and always waiting…

something others appear to have…

I have a long list of people who are frustrated with me – well, as I can see it from my end – at work.  I need thicker skin, I need to be able to stand firm in my opinion, know the reasons why, and be unwilling to change for any little thing.  But, the problem is, that sounds horrible … very ‘not humble’ and pretty much like a B.  Although, I just had this revelation … those people who are annoyed with me (and I in turn annoyed with them – or at least I would love to just ignore them and forget they exist), the thing is – they are like that.  They have the way they want to do things, they way things HAVE to be done, and then they do them that way and expect everyone else to follow suit.

They are very firm in their decisions, never wavering, never compromising; and what does it get them?  People who are upset with them, but the thing is – they don’t care, not at all.  They would rather have their way then have people like them.  Here’s where we are at a crossroad, I would rather have people like me than do what I want the way I want it.  I can be incredibly assertive about a situation, but only ‘removed’ from it – basically I talk a mean game, but play a pretty kind, nice, and likable one.

The truth is – I would always rather be liked and HATE it when people don’t like me or are upset with me.  I don’t need to be BFFs with everyone, but I do prefer when we’re on good terms.  I once took a quiz to know my love language and it was Words of Affirmation – when positive words need to be heard in order to feel self-worth, and negative comments are like daggers, unforgettable.  I see this as a negative in my life, how I’m always afraid of criticism (although I’m much better than I used to be).

Maybe someday I’ll have thicker skin, more confidence, or just more resolve to ‘do it my way’ instead of letting others change my mind constantly.

gave up today … almost!

Well, what a terrible day it was … except for a few shining moments.

First thing you need to know about me is that I’m a youth minister for middle and high school students in a Catholic Church.  Second is this is mostly a thankless job that is usually crowned with a staff/parish who LOVES youth but does small things that push the youth out – like kick us out of our room regularly!

So today started at HRMS for ‘See You At The Pole’ – the national day when public school students gather at their flag pole and pray for their school.  It was so nice to see the middle school teens praying out loud in front of their school in front of their peers.  One of the families invited me to come out and it was so nice to see them.

Then, it all went downhill – an architect meeting (that I said exactly 7 words at – 60 minutes, wasted).  Was supposed to meet with my DRE about something and she didn’t have time.  Then I went to the gym, which was actually good – 40 minutes on the treadmill and my first class with PF Mark.  Took time to come home and eat lunch (a delish chicken salad!)…

Now here’s where it all seemed to go down … had a moment when a nun was upset with me, when my pastor bailed in teaching my HS teens, and then they moved my HSYM meeting from the hall (a very conducive space for our meetings) to the Church – now, this is never a great idea – 1 hour for Mass followed by 2 hours sitting in Church?! really?!  All I wanted to do was SCREAM … except I couldn’t, I was in my office in a building with a TON of faith formation students and parents all around.  So I stewed in my own filth and began middle school youth group (MSYG) study on Noah.  I chose Noah since it’s been raining for like 40 days (well, more like 6)!

We discussed faith – and had 3 new teens tonight!  One of the questions asked who they see as an example of faith.  They all answered with teachers in their schools, families members, and then one kid said me.  WOW, put your filth back in the stew pot over there … you’re not worthless, you’re making a difference, you matter.

Definitely made my day much better!

All this to even mean that it’s nice to be needed and wanted, at least by the teens!  Tomorrow’s another day … we’ll see what happens.

the plan

So, from the beginning of time, God has had a plan for me, for you, for all of us. It says so in the book of Jeremiah … “for I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for a future full of hope.” That’s the part we all know … always a future of hope, great plans for us. There’s another part, it not only promises hope, goodness, and joy – but also suffering and that God will see us through it. Now, I feel like I haven’t really had a lot of suffering in my life … I’ve never encountered a huge loss, my parents are both still alive and well, and I’m healthy. Although I think being single in our world is a huge suffering! There’s so many opportunities to be discouraged, fall into despair, and/or just plain settle for less than we really want.

I fell much discouragement in this regard … offering it up tonight for that man out there, whoever these plans include!

the beginning

Since I was very young I always thought I would be a teacher and a mom. I was always playing house, teaching the baby dolls, and playing the part. In high school my best friends were the other kids in my youth group, those whose faith was also important to them. It seems that the Lord had different plans for me, and probably for the best.


I went to college with the intention of being a youth minister (which I am now) and finding the husband – the one God set apart for me. Well, met some really great guys – none of them the one for me. Some are engaged now, married already with a few kids, or have joined the monastery (I went to a Benedictine college – many of the guys making life-long decisions to join this religious life). I left still waiting … practicing all of that patience that I had asked the Lord for … possibly the first mistake! You know what they say – when you pray for patience, God doesn’t give patience, He provides opportunities for you to grow in patience. He’s giving lots of opportunities, continuously giving them, and probably has lots more in mind for me.

Now, everyone around me is getting married! Both of my best friends from high school … S & E. S has been married now for 3 years, prego with #2 girl – living out her dream life as wife, mom, & YM with her very ambitious husband. They’ve started a new Catholic Youth Ministry Speaker organization and are extraordinarily happy, loving life. Then E is getting married to her African boyfriend this coming June. They met online, she lives in Pittsburgh, he across the state in Harrisburg and they are making it work. We’re talking about bridesmaid dresses (wedding #2 for me), flowers, music, reception decorations, etc… It’s all so exciting – really it is, but there are so many details to think about and I love weddings, marriage, babies – I just wish it was my wedding, married, and baby!

So, that’s my life so far – always something new … feels like there’s always another reason to wait – always more to prepare for, and always an opportunity to trust the Lord. It says somewhere in Psalms “be patient and wait on the Lord” … His plan for us is always better than the vision we have for ourselves, we can’t even imagine the joy, happiness, and greatness He has called us to. I know all of that, I teach others all of that – I just have trouble truly believing and knowing it’s true in my own life.

This blog’s going to be a place for me to spit all of that out, take time to write, and maybe provide some wisdom for myself to lean on, trust in, and take into my own heart.