What’s the Reason

Why do I do the things that I do? The good ones and the bad…

When I think about this, I am reminded of what St. Paul says in Romans:

For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want. 7:19

Earlier this week I stopped father after Mass to go to Confession. It has been more than a month since I had been, and it was also within the window of the Divine Mercy Novena so I was looking for some extra grace.

Then later in the week I found myself doing the same stuff I just went to confession for…

I know I’m not the only one this happens to. It’s the nature of sin. They are deeply rooted bad habits in our lives that are hard to overcome – hence we need the grace of the sacrament.

But as I was talking to a friend, sharing all of my judgmental attitudes with her, I couldn’t help but think “why does this bother me?” and “what benefit is talking about this bringing to me?”.

As St. Paul said, “why am I doing the very thing I decided (again) three days ago I wasn’t going to do any more?” Was I truly contrite on Monday when I confessed those sins or was I just going through the motions?

What’s the reason I engage in these emotionally destructive behaviors over and over again? Do they some how make me feel good? Do they benefit me in some weird way? Am I just so stuck in my sinful bad habits I can’t get out? Do I really want out?

I believe the answer to that last question is yes. I want to be a better person. I want to be holy. I want to be a saint – but these conversations are helping me get into the canon. Hopefully they won’t make my biography!

What I need is a healthier resolve to change my internal attitude. So I was so happy when this Online Bible Study came into my inbox a few weeks ago. It’s a question I’ve asked many, many times, “why her?” and with that “why not me?”.

The first week’s truth was “You need to be honest.” Honest with yourself about your dignity, the love God has for you, and the fact that everyone’s instagram life isn’t their real life – and that’s okay. Be honest that comparing ourselves to others isn’t something new, it isn’t something that’s going to go away quickly, and it isn’t something that I’m the only one struggling with.

The author brings in the story of Rachel and Leah from Genesis. I’ve never considered Leah’s perspective in this story before. In Genesis 29:17, it says this: “Leah had dull eyes, but Rachel was shapely and beautiful.”

Well, there’s that. I don’t know what “dull eyes” really means, but I know it’s not how I want to be described when someone’s looking at me as a potential spouse. “There’s Katie, she’s the one with the dull eyes.” Although it does remind me of this song, which I really love:

However, her sister is described as being “beautiful and shapely” – desirable, memorable, worth working 14 years for even after you’ve already been given another sister. Rachel was Jacob’s true love, the one he longed for, waited for, desired.

What was Leah feeling? Left out? Abandoned? Pitied? Like her father had to trick a man so she could get married?

But to the Lord she was not abandoned. She was given children, blessed with love, and remembered for her faithfulness. Seemingly forgotten by the world, but begotten by her God. He still does great things with us, even when we feel forgotten, even when we commit the same sin over and over and over again. He hasn’t forgotten me.

He’s reminded me of His love from two friends this week. I had a friend spend a few weeks with me while she was between houses as she moved out of state. When she left she reminded me that I’m just where the Lord wants me. My life isn’t on hold because I’m single. And I’ve shown her kindness and the love of Jesus while she was with me.  And today another friend texted me today telling me that she’s always thought I was pretty awesome in her eyes. [There was more to the conversation than that, but it was the gist, and since she reads along here, she just might correct me. I admire her too!]

I needed to get those compliments this week. I needed to hear that from the Lord, as I was in the midst of seeing only my sins, only my faults, only the areas where I’ve been falling short and not getting the reason why I do the things I do not want to do.

Being an Alpha Female

I am a terrible person to plan a party with when you don’t know what you want to do. One of my least favorite things is indecisiveness. I’m sure my friends can tell some tales about planning events, gatherings, dinners, coffees, or advice sessions with me. Although there are some things that I’m not decisive about, my future career for instance, most things I have an opinion about and know what I like.

That’s usually the problem. Once when I was still working at the parish, Fr. C asked if I had a thought about something. I replied with, “Of course, I have an opinion about everything – that’s the problem.”

And it’s true. I know what I like, and I’ve usually made a decision about something before I even begin speaking about it. I can brainstorm, but I have to tell myself that’s what I’m doing before I begin so I don’t get married to a particular thought, idea, plan, or way of doing things.

A few weekends ago I was with my family at my godmother’s 50th Anniversary party. I spent some time with my grandmother’s sister, Aunt Betty. I was sitting in one of the most beautiful places on earth, my godmother’s porch.

I asked Aunt Betty, who I hadn’t seen in more than a decade, to tell me stories of my grandmother. There was so much I never knew about her childhood. This isn’t something my mother talks about much. Maybe it’s because she misses her mom a lot, maybe she just has never seen it as something that people are interested in knowing regularly. We never sit and tell stories of childhood, her mom, etc… My aunt does this a lot and so I wanted to learn more about my grandmother. I wish so much that she was still alive, or at least had lived past my freshman year in high school.

I want to know her and my grandfather better – but he passed when I was just in kindergarten. Anyway, Aunt Betty told me about how their mother passed when she was three, grandma was 9 – after about 3 or 4 years, their father wasn’t able to care for them so they went to live with their sister Martha. Life was very difficult for my gram and Aunt Betty. Gram dropped out of school in 8th grade and started housekeeping with another family and moved out. She was finally able to get another job to earn real money and met my grandfather when she was in her early twenties. He was 18 years older than her and she fell in love. They were married soon after and ended up having seven children, even though she swore she wouldn’t have any at all.

It was very hard for my grandmother when she was with her sister and she had no control over any aspect of her life, why she wanted to move out so quickly. From then on, she would not be manipulated. She was her own woman and was the alpha female (as the article below describes her).

I read this article on the Catholic Match Institute earlier this week. About true alpha males and females, not people who are just big-headed and think highly of themselves.

Alpha Theory 2.0

The alpha theory 2.0, when it is applied to the human species, applies to both men and women, single and married. In my opinion anyone can be an alpha. What are some of the qualities of a true alpha and how do we go about becoming a true alpha?

True alphas are in possession of themselves and do not let their passions rule their lives. The alphas will be moderate in their consumption of food and alcohol. They will get enough sleep and sufficient exercise.

They will be attentive to their physical appearance, and will order their homes.

Alphas bring light beyond the physical realm, the alphas will have a well-ordered spiritual life. They will be diligent with their prayer life, spending a few moments at least each day in silent conversation with the Lord.

They will strive to know the Lord better by reading the scriptures, and they will call upon the saints to help them practice virtue.

The true alpha will avail themselves of the sacraments by making a holy Confession often (the church recommends at least once a month) and attending Mass every Sunday. (source)

As I read that it reminds me of my grandmother. Some aspects bring me to mind – but there is so many areas where I need to grow, so many virtues I need to practice. My ‘decision making’ is what brought the idea to the front of my mind. I know what I want and I strive to do whatever I can to make that happen. But it also means that I get an idea in my head and can’t let it go until it’s fulfilled. This is great for things like “do yoga everyday” or “repaint your kitchen cabinets” or “be a loyal friend” or “commit to praying the Rosary everyday.” It’s not good when it’s “So&So at work is annoying” or “Just do it my way” or “Your way is ridiculous” or “I’m not in control.”

So taking one small step today, determined and decisively, to be more like these two amazing souls who make up my grit and hustle and are looking down on me from Heaven either shaking their heads with my ridiculousness or, more likely, cheering me on and supporting me.

Oh and that’s Baby ME with grandma & grandpa! I was pretty cute!

When People are Complaining about the Life you Want

It’s not the first time, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Friends, acquaintances, random strangers on the internet are complaining or claiming something is the end of the world. Well, that happens all the time, probably the reason why Al Gore invented the internet (hahah, just a little political joke there). Then all you can think is “if only my life included just one of those things you don’t seem to want…”

When I turned 30 I had some issues with expectations (on my actual BDay).

I thought I would be a mother with some cute kiddos by then, or at least a wife. Not that I would be living alone, single, still long-term relationship-less. I had those same issues when I turned 31 this year. So much so I told my friends I didn’t want to actually celebrate my birthday – especially not on the day. Which, if you’re thinking “that’s a bad idea” – then you’d be right. It was really hard the actual day of when the one day of the year when it can be all about me, wasn’t. And I was still single, living along, long-term relationship-less, AND newly heartbroken by a jerk – that was rough.

I’ve got friends turning 30 this year who are freaked out by not being in their twenties any longer for the exact opposite reasons and I’m striving to be compassionate, sympathetic, and supportive. It’s hard to do. But it’s completely necessary to do.

I have to remember that everyone’s concerns and issues in their life is relative to their living situation. I have to know that there are things that I have (gainful employment, job I love, own a home, car paid off, great friends, two parents married to each other) that others done and think that if they did, life would be amazing. But I still complain about my co-workers, my HOA, issues with my car, my parents, etc… AND I expect people to have compassion, be sympathetic, and supportive of me when I’m struggling.

Sometimes we refer to these issues as “first world problems” but I think they might just be “general people problems” and we all need to be less ‘complainy’ AND more ‘compassionate’ with our friends. Working on this each and every day!

Trying to Unplug

I have an on-again, off-again relationship with this blog; however, today, I went back to share a post I did two years ago about palm Sunday and my experience of being in a palm parade when I was in the Congo. I realized that over the course of a year, I was writing more often, a couple of times a week. I also realized that I was much more content with myself. I also had coffee with a really good friend this afternoon with some amazing conversation about the topic of “being content with myself” and blogging came back to my mind. Before heading home I stopped in at Barnes and Noble to see if they had Arleen Spenceley’s new book (her blog), which they didn’t have, unfortunately. I wondered over to the journal section and almost purchased a 5-year journal (like this one). I’ve considered buying this journal for more than a year and have passed on it from amazon so many times – including today.

This is all leading somewhere … I promise … not sure where, but we’ll see what happens!

At coffee we were discussing Facebook and social media and how it’s such a huge waste of time. She had given up FB for Lent, and I was almost wishing I had. Around the beginning of Advent, I had turned off notifications on my phone for social media and it made such a difference. To not be tied to likes and comments and messages. But I still check all of the time. To say what? I stay on FB because I have cousins, family, friends with kids and more that I like to stay up on. I like seeing cute photos of their kiddos, seeing beautiful vacation photos, and knowing what’s going on with their lives. However, my feed (probably like yours) is full of junk – full of political crap – full of those tasty food creation videos – full of time wasters. And what am I even sharing on Facebook? This week I’ve been sharing the memories from my trip to the DR Congo because FB has been reminding me.

But as I think about it, I’m just trying to fill empty time rather than hang out with my own thoughts. I could be praying, I could be figuring out how to be more content with my life, I could be contemplating the philosophies of life, anything really.

So, I’m going to uninstall Facebook, Instagram, Meetup, and Twitter from my phone. (one second) Okay, I’m back. Done!

The only “time wasters” left are Hulu, Netflix, Bloglovin’ (which is so much easier to use on the phone than it is on a computer), Kindle, Hoopla, and music (Spotify & Pandora). I think these are more productive “time wasters” than social media (for me anyway). A lot less comparing with other people. No opportunity to say “oh she’s engaged now” and I’m still not. I haven’t deactivated my accounts, but checking them on my phone is an addiction I need to squash.

If I don’t do this, I’m afraid of the bitter human being I might just become. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to trust in the plan, whatever it is, that the Lord has for me – and checking Facebook and Instagram doesn’t nothing to help me keep perspective.

Today begins a new Katie (well the semi-new me) – one who’s going to write here rather than read social media. I need an outlet and a way to look back and see where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished with my life. So readers, if you’re still there and want to continue to follow – thanks. This is my personal 5-year journal, without having to buy one and write only one quick sentence.